Kirra, Coolangatta and Tweed Heads

Saturday 06 September 2014

The Value of a Purpose Bigger than "the Relationship"

Embrace a Unified Purpose to Power up the Partnership

From the moment "Timetabled" and “Shrew" met, the purpose bigger than the “great love rekindle” it was, was evident. We were both avid “spiritual seekers”. This passion drove our choices. It drove we to circumvent this world with view to peace; to visit many known sacred sites on this planet and to alight with Saints.
These adventures consumed the 1990s for we. Many a tale I could regale of  'other-worldliness'.  For example, when in Macchu Picchu, we were certain we'd had an 'encounter'.  Awake in eager anticipation during our only night on the ancient site, there it was!  Blue lights. Many dancing blue lights! Timetabled was particularly captivated by the idea of benevolent aliens. "Look, darling, look! There they are”. I was thrilled to be able to find his excitement. We ventured outside in happy anticipation of a conversation with our space brothers, only to discover a swarm of fireflies dancing outside our accommodation.
We all Concoct our own Realities
In all relationship it’s most helpful to respect, and preferably support, each other’s reality. It’s not necessary to agree.  Husband and I happened to have an aligned fascination for exploration of that greater than we, keeping this world in orbit. This was our magnificent obsession and over-scored most of our decisions as a partnership as well as each of us as individuals.
In many family households, this emphasis might be on matters of education and sport. Wherever lies our “emphasis alignment” will flow the energy of result. By focusing on supporting, helping and encouraging each other, we'll get more support. Oppose each other and we'll get more tension of opposition.
Compromise can be not Wise
To totally embrace the other’s desire creates a flow of real power within the unit.
In coupledom and family it is powerful to fully support each other’s schemata rather than 'compromising' when in disagreement.  To totally embrace the other’s desire creates a flow of real power within the unit.  When desires are opposing, giving each person’s conviction equal full attention, consecutively, rather than a 'compromised' attention concurrently, will usually lead to greater satisfaction for all.
This prevents the 'deal breaker' terminology dominating.  Of primary importance to  “timetabled”, was daily at dawn, prioritizing an amount of meditation not comfortable for “Shrew”. She'd have preferred his company then.  I saw the wisdom in enjoying husband’s company after his preferred meditation time, rather than we having made some 'deal' of a compromised agreement. Avoid these! In the above instance, once we reconverged together each day, I was then interacting with a fully present husband rather than one who might be developing a slow burning resentment of frustration about something of extreme importance to he.
Install the “Gratitude Jar”
Within the pressures of this world, we all have to constantly decide priorities of time-space expenditure. Considering this wisely, can spell the difference between satisfaction and ease all day rather than resentment and distress.
We each can feel varying degrees of pressure. Taking care to not project our version of what is a ‘must do’ and what is a ‘can do’ onto each other is a key to ease, which then can result in happiness.  Merely knowing that each is doing his/her best, even if our judgment is to the contrary, goes a long way toward peaceful resolutions.
In each situation finding what we can be grateful for will accelerate more of that.  Unfortunately, many have become habitualized to whinge and worry rather than see blessings.  “Whinge or worry” are habits very worthy of paying attention to reverse. In a family it is fun for the children to have a ‘gratitude jar’. Each time a family member realizes “a gratitude” they write it and place in the jar.  A bonding ritual of reading these at dinner could be adopted.  In coupledom, this can be a useful practicality to forge a new habit pathway or revive a tired one, of focusing on what is working and what apparently is not. This is not the same as ‘giving compliments’.  Pleasant as that can be, it sets a precedent for the opposite which can be extremely unpleasant!
The “gratitude jar’ is merely a possible way to help accumulate reminders of the volume of incidents all day every day that are in alignment with our core values.
Zonti responds to this week’s reader’s letter from the "Relationship Wisdoms Oracle" file.
Dear Oracle,

I feel angry every day when I arrive home from work. I walk through the door. My wife has a chaotic messy house. The children seem to be out of control.  There is seldom a family dinner.
I get children thrust at me and a list of things that I need to do garbled at me as I enter.  I have just come from a day at the office where the pressure is great. The traffic has also been awful. I simply need a space to unwind for a short time. Then I’d happily and systematically participate in family requests.  I am about to explode. This happens every day.
Dear Angry
Your disturbance is understandable and your wife’s disturbance is equally understandable. Understanding is the key to changing this destructive pattern you outline.  Steven Covey says:- “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”  Rather than fume because you feel your situation is disregarded, find a way to communicate with your wife, that you can see she has her hands full and you are most willing to contribute and you first need a small breather when transitioning from office and traffic to home. That this way you can be much more effective and efficient. The two of you agree on what and how this transition time will look and most importantly, how long it will be!
You are likely to get a barrage of  “what about me, what about what I do all day” etc.
Validate this.  Empathize.  Truly empathize, not just pay  ‘lip service’!  Because the job at home for whichever partner does it, is indeed relentless. Nowadays this role is usually assumed to be shared. Often wives can have fairly anger-based, unreasonable expectations of the “father” role. Create a space to discuss this subject with your wife.  Ask her point of view. Her experience.
Her expectations. Her needs. Put forward yours. Then together forge a plan you both feel comfortable to implement. A key here is to seek to understand your wife’s situation. Then, give your angle.  Together acknowledge the pressures seemingly unique to your household. Identify the tension spots.  Mutually create solutions. Agree these together. Abide by your agreement.  Pay attention as a family to success outcomes. Involve your children in your solution plans. Teach them to ‘self–regulate’ and honour their own and each others successes. Teach this by example.
In ALL love,
 Relationship Wisdoms Oracle