Kirra, Coolangatta and Tweed Heads

Wednesday 21 January 2015

Relationship 101

Timeless Wisdom for Love, Family and Business Matters

Choose to:-

Be kind.  Be honest.
Express Gratitude.
Expect nothing.
Negotiate nothing.
Calculate nothing.
Meet each other each day, as if for the first time.
Be fascinated by each other’s point of view.
Seek to give.  Not to 'get'.
Be our best self in action.
Be easy on each other. 
Encourage, Enhance and Enrich. 


Is top relationship nutrition.
All situations can be diffused by lightening up our own view.
By reminding ourselves of the absurdity of much of what we concern ourselves with.
By laughing at ourselves, not 'the other'.

Most of us will calm once we feel heard. 
Hearing each other with full sincere attention is key to enduring easy relationship.
This means not offering our ‘solution’, unless asked to.
It also means not preempting what we think 'the other' is saying or 'formulating our answer', while the speaker is speaking.
Choose to:-

Be fascinated.... The simplest way to enduringly enjoyable relationship is to choose to be fascinated with each other’s everything.  All day every day. This naturally removes the 'blame-shame' game.
Choose to:-

Focus on what is. Not what isn’t. 
Acknowledging daily the small enjoyments each supplies in the relationship will multiply these.
Whingeing about what we feel 'the other' is not doing, giving, bringing, is a sure fire way to multiply this!
Choose to:-

Cease 'finger-pointing' by being self-responsible. 
Notice our own part in any disharmony and seek to adjust ONLY our own behavior.  NOT the behaviour of “the other”!
Choose to:-

"Seek first to understand.  Then to be understood." (from  Steven Covey's book, "7 Habits of Highly Successful People")
Adopting just this as action could facilitate radical enjoyment in relationship.
Most of us instinctually insist to first be understood from our point of view. This has the opposing effect.
Choose to:-

Adopt a habit of asking self:- 'What could I do now to enhance this person’s (this situation’s) experience (outcome)?"
Be aware we all have slightly to wildly differing beliefs and value systems.
Be sure to choose the words and actions that the 'other' would optimally enjoy.
i.e. not what we'd like them to enjoy!
Choose to:-

Speak encouragingly to each other.
Know, we all feel calmer when we know we naturally please each other.
Choose to:- 

Always ask self...
Would I like to be spoken to the way I speak to my partner?
Avoid "but':-

“But” effectively eradicates everything that was said before it.
Use "and' instead.
Avoid "should":-

None of us is privy to another’s world sufficiently to advise. "Should" can arouse innate resentment.
Use “could” instead.
Avoid 'if”:-

Use “when” instead.
"When" ensures the behaviour/event/situation flows much more smoothly.
"If' effectively blocks it.
Avoid 'compromise'

When both partners sway fully with the passions of each other.... a double 'win-win' occurs!
The delight of giving and receiving simultaneously is experienced and both parties are happy.
 When 'compromise' is adopted, both parties 'lose' and both are somewhat unhappy.
Avoid  'sorry'

"Sorry” indicates non-responsibility for the initial choice of apparently offending word or action and to some degree is  just a  "self-absolution' to repeat the 'offense' .
While we train ourselves out of merely saying "sorry" and do it again anyway, we can use:- "I apologize” when we feel sincerely contrite.
This can be effective where our receptors have possibly become largely immune to "I am sorry”.
Training ourselves to decrease and cease the offending behaviours and words by increasing our intention to behave from our best self can create massive positive change.

No need to 'fix/change/process/improve'.
We all contain every potentiality.  So to 'point the finger' at another’s behaviour and righteously declare they must 'change it to adhere with our 'standard' is to take a fork in our own road to unhappiness. 
Simply being genuinely fascinated with each other’s choices is the fast track to peaceful interaction.

Protesting something rarely gives the result desired. It merely temporarily blocks or intimidates & perpetuates 'battle'.
Seeking to understand the position of 'the other' often dissolves opposition naturally.

Each is entitled to his own view.
Agreement doesn’t have to be.
Seek to understand and respect each other’s view.

Opposing something we greatly disagree with rarely brings a result of any mutual harmony.
No one's view is ever 'right' or 'wrong'. 
Respect for each other’s different “moral compasses" usually dissolves conflict. 

We all inherently like to feel successful at pleasing each other.
Be aware of self-convinced 'rightness' that can become a habit 'berating the other'. 
Review this practice!